"I'm Cold Blooded, Check It And See! Got A Fever In The Minus Degree!"

This review contains a punny title and spoilers, as usual.

Why, oh why do I surf the internet before watching Doctor Who? I went on one of my favourite websites (people on Facebook have gotten better at not letting stuff leak in their statuses...I wonder if I have anything to do with that?) and immediately learned what happened at the end of the episode. This, coupled with the opening narration, made actually watching the episode itself unnecessary for me.

In a way, this episode reminded me of a farce, such as Fawlty Towers. Many elements were planted throughout the episode so they could come back later to bite the main characters in their collective arses. Fawlty Towers uses much the same formula for comedic effect, and this two-parter conclusion for
The Doctor, Amy and Rory does the same. Every element that makes the 'stinking apes' (which The Doctor calls them indirectly; Homo Reptilia would imply they evolved from apes like we did*) look bad comes into play at the worst possible time.

I will say this in the writer's favour though: the characterisation for the episode was top notch. One of them was written to be the Resident Idiot (how do you say that in Welsh?) but the thing is, I think that any one of us could easily see ourselves in her situation. All she was doing was trying to help her family...in absolutely the worst way possible. Just when things are looking up, Drigiannydd Idiot (yes, I looked it up...what of it?) comes blundering in and sounding like the most racist human imaginable (I would say Hitler is the most racist human imaginable, but he didn't know about the Underground Space Reptiles From Space).

I don't like any story where the characters are forced to be stupid for the sake of the story, but sometimes (as appears to be the case here) it is unavoidable. I just wish it wasn't, but it is hard to see how the writer could have done it any better when the characters were firing on all cylinders mentally. As it is, this show made me want to punch the gung-ho lizards (good name for a rock band) through the screen.

All in all, this was an okay episode. Nothing particularly spectacular, but it was an interesting piece on how reasonable people can go to pieces in an unfortunate set of circumstances. If I might draw on my vast nerdish leanings, I'd almost say that this episode was meant to share something with The Killing Joke (I bet that's a comparison that you don't hear every day), as it proves the point that the Joker was trying to make in that publication. And the ending was pretty surprising and effective (I can't think of a more horrible fate for anyone to suffer, it's literally a fate worse than death). Or it would have been if I could take my own advice and not spoil myself before I see the actual episode.

*Science Bonus!

Spirits, Sootballs and Mr Miyagi...

Hayao Miyazaki's 2001 Spirited Away is, to put it in the oft-quoted words of Oscar Wilde, "fuckin' weird!"
It chronicles the tale of a spoiled girl named Chihiro who stumbles upon an abandoned theme park with her parents. They explore, but then darkness falls, and Chihiro must grow emotionally to save her parents from a piggy fate...

This tale of spirits seems like it was written when Miyazaki was really, really high. There are a whole bunch of really bizarre events and characters, such as the arachnid boiler-man and the little soot people carrying the rocks. Which is understandable, because it is a film about spirits and the growing obsession with wealth and power.

The thing I love about the film though is the little details, such as what the big baby looks like later on in the film, along with the little bird helping him fly. I also love when her parents are turning into pigs, and you can still see the trousers and how they look vaguely human in a way. Also, it's probably just me, but

I found my heart stopping when it was intended to and I really found myself laughing at the antics of the little balls of soot. Any film that makes you genuinely intrigued as to what happens next and makes you care about the characters has done its job well.

The vocals seem to be pretty well done (although not being an expert on anime I wouldn't know, for all I know the English dub is reviled among the die-hard anime community), with the voices suiting the characters. The only other anime I've seen is Death Note, which was pretty good and lent itself to some truly epic moments (chips, anyone?).

The bathhouse for the spirits seems really authentic to how such a place would work in real life, with the stresses of working so hard showing in everyone's manner and so on. I thought that the characters were really well done and the character development, not just for Chihiro but for everyone else as they come to respect her was done superbly. Okay, the character development was also formulaic in places but that's only really obvious to the hardened movie-goers such as myself, and it's really a fairy tale in some ways.

This is the kind of movie that everyone should watch when they're young, as it's definitely a coming of age movie and one that could help mould a young person into the adult they will shortly become.

Although I think that Miyazaki looks like Thunderbirds villain The Hood in disguise (seriously, have you seen that guy?), he has created a fantastic movie that will stand the test of time (which grossed more than Titanic in its native Japan when released). I for one would not be averse to watching more of his works, although I'm not the kind of person who will actually go looking for it. Much like music, I don't explore, but I let the ones I like come to me.

Mr Miyazaki (almost called him Mr Miyagi), I was truly Spirited Away. Well done, sir.

I Feel Re-Bourne...

In 2002, Team America retard Matt Damon* received a vehicle in the form of The Bourne Identity, a death and explosion packed film that served as an inspiration for the grittier direction in which James Bond has gone.

The trilogy (Identity, Supremacy and Ultimatum) centres around an amnesiac killer (Jason Bourne, hence the ‘Identity’) trying to find out who he was and what he did in his former life. This ends up leading him on a road trip with Obligatory Love Interest #1.

The film left some questions unanswered (the most important of these is who he actually was) but the ‘tard gets the girl and he seems pretty satisfied with how the whole business concluded.

Then they made another movie. (awkward cough)

I feel that it was with the second movie that the franchise went from an interesting concept (how would a killer feel if he lost his memory and learn what he did) to a generic revenge plot action movie franchise. They killed off his girlfriend early in the second installment to make the audience feel sorry for him, a known killer. This was the problem with the whole trilogy though, not just the second film.

Another thing that bugs me about the second film is the scene at the end where the CIA woman does Bourne a favour and tells him his name, birthday and where he’s from. Thereby robbing the audience of any reason to see the third fucking movie!

The last movie (not that you’d know it from the dvds, I had to guess), The Bourne Ultimatum, depends yet again on our villain protagonist being targeted by the EVIL GOVERNMENT while he doesn’t want to hurt anybody and live a normal life. Well, tough. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I have no idea why execs expect audiences to sympathise with killers as protagonists!

While the Bourne movies were a reasonably entertaining way to spend an afternoon, they’re nothing special. Any of them beyond the first is just a generic action movie and the third one, as I’ve established, was entirely pointless. You would be better off (although not by much) watching Casino Royale or any of the preceding Bond movies (but not Quantum of Solace). Overall, if you have to watch any of them, the first one is the best way to go, don’t bother with the other two.

I’ve put The Bourne Identity in highlight-able text here: His real name is David Webb, no relation to Robert Webb. SPOILER ALERT!!
*“MATT DAMON!”

The Earth Is Hungry...OM NOM NOM!

The 8th episode of Series Fnarg, The Hungry Earth (which puts the image of a Sarlacc into my mind) features the return of the ever-popular space fish (okay, they’re space reptiles, but to me they look like green space fish), The Silurians. Actually, now I come to think of it, a lot of the ‘Monster Of The Week’ examples in Doctor Who seem to be some sort of Space Fish. Episode One had the weird Space Eel thing, Episode Two had the Space Whale, Episode Six had Vampire Space Fish and this one has Space Reptile Fish things. So, half of the episodes have space fish. Methinks I spot a theme here.

The setting is a Welsh Mining Village (no mention of ‘the only gay in the village’) in 2020, where an ambitious drilling project is going on. The Doctor, Amy and Rory land, expecting Rio. Surely if you were the Doctor, you’d consult the scanner before going outside and proclaiming “RIO!” like a nonce.

Rory goes to play Sherlock while Amy and The Doctor check out the aforementioned drilling project which has just penetrated more than 21 kilometres (more than 13 miles, measurement fans!) under the ground. Rory is almost staggeringly incompetent at this, and the only child in the village has to do the detective work for him, even quoting everybody’s favourite detective while he does so. This child explains that the bodies that have been going missing from graves have been clearly dug up from below and taken.

Meanwhile, the Doctor and Woman Assistant #4 (discounting one shot companions and not counting the classic series, that number is actually correct) go to the drilling site (The Doctor should’ve used the time away from Rory for some drilling of his own, IYCMD*). Hilarity ensues when some holes in the ground open up and start eating Amy and some random fella who she tries to save (to her credit, she did save him). She ends up being eaten by the Earth (hence the title, presumably), but any savvy viewer will know that she’s not dead, due to it: A) Being the 8th episode and B) Being less than 25 minutes into the episode.

My complaints with the episode are as follows:

1) Nasreen (mining lady) never actually learns the Doctor’s name, much like Rufus in Bill & Ted (he never tells them his name at any point during the movie), yet is calling him The Doctor and singing his phrases. This one was pointed out to me in my screen-writing class by a friend as I didn’t notice it myself.

2) How stupid the aforementioned child, who is dyslexic, got in the last bit of the episode. Kid goes out to get some headphones from his house when there are unknown creatures about to get to the surface any minute. I would understand if it was a hearing aid or an inhaler but headphones seem counter-productive.

3) In fact, the stupidity in general on behalf of most of the characters bugged me. Drill (RedShirt) Guy #1 stuck his hand into a steaming hole in the ground, the previously mentioned child and headphones incident, and Rory not clocking where the dead bodies went from their graves…what a moron.

This episode was decidedly average. It’s the first of a two parter though, so hopefully the next one will be better. It’s worth watching, but not by much.

*If You Catch My Drift. I’m starting this up!

Know How Butterflies Are Normally Pretty*? This One Isn't...

My stoner buddy recommended the time travelling epic, The Butterfly Effect, the other day so I borrowed it. And I am so glad I did.

This 2004 sci-fi film stars Ashton Kutcher, he who is not to be confused with Ash Ketchum. The premise of the film is showing how changes you make to the past can come back to haunt you in the future (present/whatever). And it is done really well, as most of the details mentioned early on are later relevant in some way. The main character suffers blackouts, and both the viewer and the character discover what happens during the blackouts together. In that way, it's quite immersive and makes you want to find out what happened to him.

As anyone who knows me knows, I love the idea of time travel and this film shows exactly why we shouldn't be allowed to have it. It shows the downsides and it is very harsh on Kutcher's character, Evan Treborn. Seriously, extremely harsh to him. It's weird to think that in an alternate timeline, I wouldn't have seen this movie and you wouldn't be reading this.

I recognise some of the other characters from other television programmes, like Callum Keith Rennie, (whom aficionados will know as Ray Kowalski from the excellent Canada-Em-Up Due South), Kutcher's co-star, Amy Smart (Starsky and Hutch and Scrubs) and Almost-Marty-McFly, Eric Stoltz. It took an imdb search to find out where I recognised these people from (except for Rennie). I do like that in a film as it gets me thinking.

If I have one complaint, it's that the sequence at the beginning seems out of place and unnecessary, even foolish, since it spoils you slightly to what's going to happen at the end. And in a way, some of the flashbacks turn out to have obvious conclusions or repercussions, but that's part of the fun; to be able to say "what an idiot."

The Wikipedia entry (since I have not yet had time to watch all of the alternate endings) tells me that there are four endings to the film, and the Director's Cut one (from the sounds of the others) is the one that I prefer by far. It fits the overall tone of the film and makes more sense within context. I wonder why they didn't go with that ending in the cinema. There are also two sequels to this film which deviate from the plot and might as well be completely unrelated, much like the Highlander movies (I'm only counting Highlanders 3 and 4 here. Highlander 2: The Quickening isn't worth mentioning).

The Director's Cut ending, which I watched, might well be one of the most depressing things committed to film if you think about it, like It's A Wonderful Life gone horribly wrong. And yet in spite of this (or perhaps because of it), the film works. It's a powerful film that keeps you guessing what's going to happen next and ramps up the tension. This one is definitely worth investing both your time and money in. Don't let some stupid butterfly stop you from watching this fantastic movie.


*I did not say pretty! MANLY! MANLY BUTTERFLIES!!

You Are Surrounded By Armed Bastards For The Last Time!

The follow up to the brilliant Life On Mars, Ashes To Ashes has managed to outlive its predecessor while having roughly the same level of love for the time it is set in while still showing its bad points. They managed to do this by taking as long as they needed to clear the story up, which is evidently three seasons' worth of story.

Tomorrow evening will be the end of an era. Yes, the day will finally come when we no longer see Gene Hunt's brand of misogyny and light prejudice. However, as seen with the recent Labour and Tory posters, I feel that the viewers have somewhat missed the point of Gene Hunt's character. When he started out, he was a character who was supposed to be respected begrudgingly, to show how policing styles of today contrast with the early 70's. The public have somehow come to love him, as shown by his character growing progressively more awesome as the show moves on, with lots of bad-ass one liners and a large amount of tyre-squealing, gun wielding fun.

By the end of tomorrow's episode, we should have found out exactly who Gene Hunt is, what Alex is doing with him and all the plot threads that are hanging at the moment should've been cleared up. All of this had better be cleared to the fan's satisfaction, as they have one hour to do it in. The problem with this is that the trailer shown at the end of last Friday's episode doesn't seem to come close to clearing it all up. Mind you, I suppose they couldn't show us a lot if the alternative would spoil the show for us.

For all that viewers may have missed the point of Hunt's character, it's not actually a bad show. Yes, the opening narration for the first two seasons verges on boring, but they've trimmed it down to shorter than Life On Mars' narration for the final season, which is a blessing.

Conspiracy seems to be the order of the day, because where the arc question for Life On Mars is "How do I get home?", the arc questions (for there are many) seem to be "What's wrong with this world and how can I fix it?". Whereas Sam Tyler's motive was to get home, that is now an afterthought (in at least the third series) for Alex Drake, the protagonist for Ashes To Ashes. This is another example of how brilliant the shows are at portraying the differences in mindset between the two, as the shows take place in their respective minds and the details within are examples of how they think.

I do like how the characters were developed further in Ashes To Ashes, as they didn't have much time to work on giving each character a day in the spotlight in Life On Mars; in a way all the characterisation has built to what is coming tomorrow.

Unless they utterly destroy the character of Hunt in the last episode, I suspect that he'll be back with a spin-off along the lines of Starsky and Hutch. One Man And His Quattro? Could that work? If they don't bring him back (and the actor has said that this is his last time as Gene Hunt) then on the part of this blogger at least, he will be missed.

A Writing Experiment...

Permit me if you will, readers, to conduct a little experiment. I’m going to show how it’s possible to review something that you don’t think is all that great (still worth watching though) and still make it sound good. I will remain non-specific throughout, the challenge is to see if you can guess what I’m reviewing. If you guess what it is before I reveal it in the text below, I owe you a Coke.

Oh, and no spoilers for those who haven't read it yet.

This epic drama follows the life of one man as he finds out how connected (the character interconnectivity is on a par with Heroes) he is to a web of deceit and lies that stretches very far back but also comes full circle back to him. It’s hilariously funny as well as being a moving piece on how easy it is for people to come to violence, how quick they are to spring to anger.

We are introduced to a number of glamorous and sexy women, as well as several tough men who are going about their normal lives when the drama kicks off.

And there is a lot of drama. The action is split across several episodes, each of which ramps up the tension to unbelievable climaxes. And no, I’m not referring to the sex that you get to see every once in a while (although sex is related a few of the cliffhangers, I won’t say how) to show how awesome and attractive the main character is.

This main character is a well known star who has achieved some notoriety but hasn’t let that affect his work, which shows as he takes this project completely seriously. I suspect he sees himself as a model to youngsters, which is evidenced in the aspiration factor of this series. For example, he never goes anywhere without his cool suit on.

Bottom line: this is worth watching if you have some free time and could do with a laugh (and most people can). It’s a cautionary tale to show how one mistake can lead to a whole lot of trouble for you and the people you love. By making this, he has effectively said “don’t make these mistakes and be careful how you handle your life. Don’t let it get out of hand.” It’s certainly worth the investment on dvd if you can find it.

Have you guessed what it is yet? Highlight to find out: It was R Kelly’s Hip-Hopera (seriously, that’s the term he uses), Trapped In The Closet. The great thing is that pretty much everything I’ve said in here applies to it when you think about it.